Hi everyone. This is different than anything I've really written before, and I know that the lines seem to break in unusual places, but they're meant to. Critiques are greatly appreciated, and you have my special permission to shred it to bits if you so choose.
If you were the sky,
I’d lie on my back in that meadow all day,
and never care,
when people say I’m crazy,
for talking to no one.
If you were the ground,
I’d trip and fall,
(or pretend to)
just so I could hug you…
accidentally.
Sometimes I think you know.
When you smile at me,
in the hall,
you must see,
read it on my face.
I try to hide it.
Sometimes I think you feel the same.
When you look at me like that,
oh do you know how it makes me tremble
on the inside,
makes my heart beat,
like bird’s wings,
struggling to fly?
I wish it could take off.
But, after all, a wish is just a dream
that your heart makes,
isn’t it?
A fairytale said that.
I know you’re not the sky,
or the ground for that matter.
You are you,
and I guess that’s why I love you.
I have a belief.
That something that is meant to be,
will happen.
I suppose I could trust time.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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It's a saying in YWS 'Chi' We can dive into it and review or just normally review.
Okay, about this poem. Well, I think it's a great poem and and fairly cute. But at the start I didn't know what you were talking about. But at the end I figured it out. You could have used more phrases and great words to make this poem a bit more interesting. You at the start, compared the sky and ground to your love. But, I think you could have added a bit more and made it so imaginery and fantastic. I love the idea of you put as hugging the ground. It meant a lot.
The last four lines in this stanza were a bit short. I think it would be good to connect both second and third lines and make it a single line.
Put this (!) after 'oh' I can't remember what it's called. Cut the question mark in the last line. I think the way you expressed how your heart beat was great.
Well, it was a good and somewhat cute poem. Although, if you had used some more phrases and words, it would have been even more better.
Good luck.
How could anyone rip that to shreds? It's an awesome piece of work written by an awesome poet. I like how you compare the subject to the sky and the ground, but not just comparing, actually reacting to the comparison. I especially like the one where they would trip and fall just to "hug" the ground. That is so cute! I never thought of smashing myself on the ground as hugging it... maybe I'll fall over more often now.
The last line in that is a bit out of place. It seems like you wanted to write more on it, couldn't, and so popped it in with that stanza. Maybe you could rewrite it as a continuation of "read it on my face"? For example, "You must see, read on my face, what I try to hide." Something like that. You're the poet.
Aaw, but this poem is just so cute! You are a genius!
Truly very romantic you has done a good job it seems to me that you have written those lyrics truly from your heart
If you ever read the book Lullaby, there's a part in there where it talks about how if art is done well enough, perfectly, it can put people into a "trance" (don't like that word) and just mesmerize them.
I really don't like poems or stories about love.
I usually write and read about the sad parts of life, but when I read your writing. It's just golden.
Hope I'm not creeping you out with my obsession with your work.
Extra picky point - you use commas quite a lot. Perhaps you could read through again and decide if you really need them in places? Then again, it might have been deliberate on your part to make the tone more dreamy.
I agree with previous reviews about the imagery but there was plenty to like about the poem - the image of the heart as bird's wings that you wish could take off, the decision to 'trust time' and the final line. I thought the second stanza was especially sweet as well as:
It was easy to read, refreshing and hopeful - if you work on the imagery, perhaps using more at the beginning, it will improve it further. Well done!
This is good, but it could be better
Honestly, you've got a really good start, I really like your comparisons with the sky...the ground, etc... but I've got to agree with Gahks--the imagery could be much more powerful.
I absolutely loved the ending! It's ironic and powerful, and really sets a theme for what message you're trying to send out.
Overall, your style of writing is very good, and I hope you continue writing!
Wonderful!
As Eimear points out, this is good but not great. Use more powerful imagery: instead of starting, "If you were the sky," (which is stative, and therefore telling) make this a metaphor:
"You are my sky,
something to wonder at
when no one's looking."
This does have potential to strike a chord with us; the ending especially was perfect. But make more of this! Really go for it!
7/10
It's really good considering you wrote in such a short time! It was beautiful, and like Bittersweet said, really cute, too. I especially liked the title and the last line. It tells us that there is hope. Sweet.
Aw, I immediately thought of Cinderella! But didn't it say that "dream is a wish your heart makes"? I'm not sure. And besides, that's got nothing to do with the poem itself.
I think you should write more of this kind!
Demeter xx
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions everyone. I wasn't sure how this would do, considering I wrote it in about three minutes.
But this makes me happy... fells like I'm not so alone anymore...
Neat style!
And there's nothing to complain about the lines breaking at odd places, it fits in very well.
Really, I am impressed by the easy flow of the poems and how you managed a lyrical touch to the poem even with the simple use of words.
Suggestion (only so):
"That something that is meant to be,/will happen."
"That something that is meant to be,/is meant to be."
The "will" happen bit sounds out of place because the future tense doesn't add to the determination of achieving your love.
And in the first stanza, maybe you could talk about staring at the sky or when the wind blows, you could feel your love kissing your face. It'd match with the second imagery then.
But all in all, your style, sense of spacing, choice of words are excellent.
Loved the last two stanzas and of course the concluding line is a perfect touchdown.
I’d lie on my back in that meadow all day,
*
-isn't your lie supossed to be lye or some thing like the oone you mean?
That's so cute! I love it. How the naration goes I know your aren't the ground or the sky but you'll still love them. Aww!!!
Just magnificent. If I figure out how to I'll give you a gold star.*And no not a negative one.
Hey 1dering, nice job on this piece. Very lyrical, thoughtful and poetic. I really got a feeling when I was reading it that the speaker goes through these emotions everyday. So well done. However it's good- but I liked more than loved. I think you could take this feeling and twist it into something much more deeper and powerful. Anyway, for now- my favourite bit was S7:
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear
This a pretty cute poem. I always love these romantic poems... a breath of fresh air sometimes, a break from all those depressing poems. What I really like about it is the very last line. Stupid of me, right? But I love how it's so indifferent compared to the rest of the poem. Like you really want to say something like "I love you", but you can't so you just say "I'll see you tomorrow". But at the same time, it kind of has a hidden message to it (or at least to me). Like, something is going to happen tomorrow. I didn't explain this very well... so I'll just say good job.
Holly